Wednesday, October 28, 2009

October 28th, 2009

Birth Mom Buds!!!

I have to give major Kudos to Coley and Lani, the founders of Birth Mom Buds (

They created a web site for women who are; pregnant and thinking of placing, women who are in the process of placing, or women who have already placed. This site offers so much for the birthmoms, and also for AParents to find out what its like from a BMoms point of view.

Sometimes we just need to get things out, but dont want to tell the AParents, and sometimes the AParents want to know things, but are too scared to ask the BMom. This site is an amazing wealth of knowledge, and resources for anyone in the adoption triad.

Pleasse check it out if you have any questions about, or are concidering adoption. I've never had the pleaser to talk to Lani, but I know Coley is the most amazing BMom I have ever met. But, being back in the BMB Circle, I know I will meet many more!!!

Please e-mail them i you have any questions, or you can e-mail me and I can give you any information I have!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

October 27th, 2009

I think the one thing we always take for granted, is the one thing thats sitting right in front of u. We see it every day, we interact with it every day, and we just assume it will be there every day.
Thats not always so.

I once had a friend tell me that letting something go, and waiting for it to come back is bullshit. Well, i guess thats why I chose open adoption. I nevr have to let him go, and I never have to wait for him to come back, at least not by my choice.

One other thing I will never take for granted? My Girlfriend.
I never knew what letting go ment untill I found her. Not because I let her go, but because I thought I woudl have to, long story, and its not ment for this blog. But, she also helped me let go of all the guilt I still felt for the adoption. after 3 long open years, i still felt guilty, and felt bad. But she made me see, and made me feel, that it was, and always will be the right coice, even in the bad times.

October 27th, 2009

If anything, Im lucky. Its just that simple.

My daughter is a blessing to me, because she really keeps me on my toes; my son, as much as I dislike his father at times, is being taken care of, and my BirthSon?? He is so blessed, and so am I, to have found such an amazing family to place him with.

Keaton recently turned three, like litereally just days ago. I got to talk to him on his birthday, and we also got to go to his birthday party. It amazes me sometimes how open his family is with he and I. The one thing his Mommy said is, her son will have no secrets, and his Momma is the most wonderful person I know. Yes.... he has two moms, well, three if you count me :)

Anyways, you can go through my past blogs, and read them all, from just days after the placement till today. It really tells an amazing story of two families becoming one. I know that open adoption does work for everyone, or that some people wish they could have had an open adoption but didnt, or that some people were forced to give their child up for different reasons.

Just be wanred, this blog is me pouring out my soul. For women who are pregnant and need to know what it could be like, for women who have an open adoption and need to know "if this is normal", and for aParents who just have questions they wish they could ask the bMom, but are too scared to.

But, to those of you who are in a closed adoption, those of you who have never seen a photo, or gotten a letter, or heard your child say "I Love You", your not alone. I have been told for 3 years that my situation is more unique then anyone else's, and so far thats been true.

My daughter was involved with doctor visits, their daughter was involved with Doctor visits, they took turns finding the baby's heartbeat. They were both at the Entrustment Ceremony, and my daughter was there the day Keaton was born.

Keatons Momma coached me throguh labor with my moms help, and his Mommy cut the umbilical cord. It was everything I wanted.

Sure, sometimes i sit there and cry over wishing i had just one more day with him, or that I cut the cord, but... when i get in my right mind, and i think back to it, all of those things are what built the special bond between both families, and that it one thing i never want to loose, and never want to think about living without.

Monday, October 26, 2009

coming up on two years 10-06-08

coming up on two years
I "abandon" this profile long time ago, because i thought, "My adoption is different, i dont need to talk to someone about it, its amazing."
Well, its been a year, and time has proven me wrong. nothing has chnged, they are still the most amazing parents i codul have ever chosen for my son; but i think i was mistaken when i thought i wouldnt have any problems. And i dont have any problems with them, I have problems with myself. There were things that happened n the first three days of his life i wish i could have changed, but they are over and done, and I cant go back and change them now. So, i deal with those feelings of guilt, and loss, and regret. But i very seldom use those words. I dont like them, because people always view them as negative.
But, here I am two years later, and things are good...
R & H are amazing, and they have a great family, i couldnt have asked for more. But there are still times when BirthParents wonder, "what if i took 5 more minutes?"
Well, that 5 minutes is come and gone, but i know with R&H i have years to come. But, there are atill those days.. and yep, there will still always be those "but"s... i think its natural. I hope it is, lol. I talk about them all the time, have pictures of all of them hanging up a work, and pray that there are other aParetns out there like them for bParents like me. I know im a special case.. I have a daughter at home, she always talks about both of her brothers. And its good, because when Kathleen as me about Keaton, I can be open, and say what i think... because its ALWASY good.
Pretty soon he will be having surgery, and it scares the crap out of me. Part of me thinks, "I shoudl take the day off so i can be there." But then I think more about it, and wonder, "Why? He has two amazing parents who will be there to take care of him, and they will tell me how things go! He will be just fine!!"
But then i cry a little, because i miss him. But he is always with me in my heart, i just know that he is in a better home.
2008-10-06 18:08:03 GMT

Entry for November 10, 2008

Entry for November 10, 2008
Well, we just passed the 2 year mark nd so much has happened.
R&H have been amazing, and i still love them to death!
Keaton is having some health issues, so isnt growing as much as he should, but he is still a pretty smart kid! (Just like his BMom, lol)
everything went pretty smooth, there were a few points where i cried like i needed to, but, other then that, i think it was pretty smooth.
But if i have to say one thing, it woudl be this; if it hadnt been for the adoption being open, i dont know if i could have gotten this far the way I have.
If your reading this R&H, you two have been an amazing blessing, not only to Keaton, but to Kathleen and I as well!
2008-11-11 02:52:23 GMT

Entry for February 11, 2007

Entry for February 11, 2007
Well, its been a while, but, as many people know, birth-mothers cant, and really try not to let their lives evolve around the adoption.

But, i have been talking to my sons Momma a lot, she has really been helpfull during the last week or so of my life.
In hopes that the PAP's i talked to read this, i wanted to remind them of something, or share my experience i guess.
I want people to realise that, sometimes, keeping in touch with the birth-mother, or birth-parents is good. Its not always about the adoption, its also about making a connection to people that society views as more normal then us birth-parents.Its hard for us, because a lot of the time, society views us as benieth them, and we want a connection to the "in" crowd. And alot of times, the relationship with our childrens aParents is the best connection we could have.
It helps us to knwo that we ARE people too! We are not baby machines! We are normal people who deserve respect, and smiles just as much as the next person. We stood up when others may not haven been able to, and said "We cannot handle this situation, and we are not willing to let our child go through the pain and siffering they would if i dont go through with this." We are willing to put our children first, even if it means letting this child be someone elses son or daughter.We live every day remembering, but not living for the adoption. I have two other children, and "H" has been halping me in those situations. She drops in a comment here and there about Keaton, and thats great. I love to hear those things. But it has become more of a friendship than anything else. It is like hearing about a friends new baby, not my child that i have lost a connection to. And that is what has made this adoption work so greatly. And i think even if physical visits werent in our plan, the friendship we share, and the way she treats me (as an equal) makes it easier, and it eases the pain.
On a great note, i am SO EXCITED! I'm going to be visiting on the first weekend of March. My birthday is that tuesday, and i have to say, this will be the best birthday present i'll be recieveing this year. Not only do i love seeing Keaton and his sister, but i also enjoy being in the presence of "R" and "H" because they really do treat me as an equal.It easy for me to say, "Uh oh, i think he wants his mommy!" and laugh it off. Because to me, it is funny, and cute. It reminds me of then my best friend, sisiter, aunt, or mom woudl hold my daughter or son, and he woudl start crying. As much as they wanted to comfort them, it was nice to know i was the one they wanted. And knowing that they are Keatons comfort reassures me that i did the right thing. And seeing the happiness in their life grow, makes me proud to have followed Gods plan.
Well, im not sure when i will be back again. Sometimes i want to get on and write, but i have a lot going on. And sometimes, i really dont have much to say other than "Im doing great!".
I hope everyone has a wonderful Valentines day!
2007-02-12 02:58:58 GMT

Comments (1 total)
If you are really interested in a supportive forum for birthparents, that supports adoption but understand the sadness and pain that happens after placing, join us at 01:46:57 GMT

One Year ago 02-21-07

One Year ago
Feb 21st, 2007, 6:10am;I had to go into work early. My period was 3 days late. I knew i wasnt pregnant, so i took a test just to ease my mind. I knew it woudl come back negative, and then i could go on with my life swearing up and down never to sleep with another man!
I was sitting in the direty bathroom at my old job. It smelled like cheep cinnamon air freshiner ( i hate that smell). The sink was 4 feet away, and the table was touching my knees it was built so close.I pee'd in the cup, and dripped it onto the stick. I set the stick on the table, and flipped through a magazine. Nothing interested me, it was just to pass time, plus, i had looked at that magazine so many times while i sat on that table during breaks smoking cigarettes, it wasnt even funny. a 2005 issue of US Weekly. 5 minutes passed... "thats long enough, right?"
I looked at the test,... purple... what does purple mean? Dont these things say "pregnant" or "not pregnant" now!?!?
Blue- Not pregnant...... Purple- Pregnant.

2007-02-21 06:34:39 GMT


Speaking to PAP's
Today i spoke to the Prospective Adoptive Parents at the adoption center that took care of my adoption.
It was hard, but it was awesome to talk to them. I loved being able to open up and tell them how i felt as a birth mother, but i felt like there was just something missing. Oh YEA! their questions!
I was kind of disapointed, because only three of the women were asking questions, and dont get me wrong, they were GREAT questions, but i kind of would have liked if them men asked questions too. The wifes and girlfriends arent the only ones adopting the baby, but, oh well. I guess the women woudl ask more of the questions, since, the speaker (me), is a woman.
It was exciting though, telling them about my experiences, and my journey. I really wanted them to know that it is just as hard for us to let go of our children as it was for them to let go of the ability of having children.
Anyways, it was great, and i am so glad they allowed me to come and speak to the group! I really do hope some of them stop by my blog once in a while to give a view from the birth mother. After all, if it werent for birthmothers, the adoption process would be a bit harder, huh? lol
And to my BMB's, i love you all! And im so glad to know all of you and your journeys!
*hugz and kisses*
2007-01-07 00:52:29 GMT

Comments (1 total)
As one of the PAPs that attended the session, all I can say is thank you. As much as we've read and as much as we've heard from the agency or other adoptive parents, hearing about your experience and your feelings in your words was one of the more incredible experiences we've had so far in our adoption journey. We would feel honored if we were lucky enough to be matched with a woman as brave and as honest and as thoughtful and as nurturing and as empathetic and as respectful (and as funny) as you are. What a wonderful and important role you play by sharing your story - with us, through this blog, with others. When you shared the "thank you" poem that R or H (I can't remember which) shared with you during Keaton's entrustment ceremony, it touched me deeply and truly captured how I feel about the amazing gift of open adoption. Anyway, thanks again.--A hopeful mother-to-be2007-01-14 06:37:02 GMT

The strangest dream 01-16-07

The strangest dream
I had the weirdest dream yesterday while i was taking a nap.
i had a dream I had Keaton here with me. I signed the surrender, and R&H had custody, but, he was here with me. I was changing him, showing him off to my family, feeding him, clothing him, making his bottles for the day... it was just really weird.
I kept telling everyone who he was, and who his parents were, they all knew i went through with an adoption, but there i was, at my grandmas, for a family reunion, and it was just really weird.
He had a bedroom at my home, a crib, dresser, etc. but, i KNEW he was R&H's son, i told everyone he was. the weird part aboutit, was they were no where around.
It really gave me a weird feeling i cant describe... not sad, not happy, not upset, or uneasy... just strange...
In the end, the only thing i canget out of it is that, he will know me, and he will know my family... Im blessed for that
2007-01-16 21:45:17 GMT

Comments (1 total)
Maybe your dreams are providing an emotional balance for the way things are in your waking life.--A Friend2007-02-15 22:35:23 GMT

switching around the negative thoughts 12-28-06

switching around the negative thoughts
I talked to a friend today, and she really needed my help. She called me with questions about someone she was having trouble with. Not as in, they were causing trouble, but she was having questionable thoughts about it sometimes. So, i told her what i do when I question my own thoughts or personal situations.And now, i want to share them with you, because i think they might really help with any situation, not just adoption. I listen to what someone says, and i take every word they say as truth. But, i also make myself ready, if that situation should change. This way, i have a reason to believe what they say, and i have reasons to understand the reasons why if things should change. Since this is my adoption blog, i'll use my open adoption entry for the example.What I was told: This will be an open adoption, and i will be able to see my son grow up.Why I can believe this statement:1) I know H & R are wonderful people, and they would never lie to me.2) I know H & R love their children, and they want them to know where they came from, and I am the borth-mother of their son.3) H & R and I got to know each other very well, and we have an understanding and trust in eachother.4) H & R want me to be able to be there to help answer any questions that Keaton might have when he grows up, and in order for me to do that, we need to keep the lines of communication open.5) I need H & R to be there for me to answer any questions I might have about Keaton, and i need to be open and honest with them to keep that available to me.What could happen: They could change their mind, and i may not see Keaton again till he is 18, if he decides to look for me.Reasons I can understand this situation if it happens:1) I know H & R will only make decisions that are best for Keaton.2) I know H & R would only do this if they felt Keaton was in danger, or in harms way.3) I know if they felt this was best, then i can trust their judgement.4) I choose these parents for Keaton, and I have to understand and accept ANY decisions they choose for his life-path.5) I know that no matter what choices H & R DO make for Keaton are in his best interest, and they will everything possible before breaking the ties between Keaton and I.
So, you see, no matter what happens, I will have good reasons to understand why that happened. So, if i see him grow up, i know it is becuase we have trust, and love for each other. But, even if i dont see him grow up, we STILL have trust and love for each other. I chose there women to parent my son. I chose this life for him. I chose this life-path for him. BUT, before i made this decision, GOD had it all mapped out. And no matter what happens, it is what HE had planned. If its hard for me to see Keaton, i know God will help me through my fears and tears. If I smile when i leave his side, i knows its because God is putting joy in my heart, to see him with the family he was ment to be with. But, if they stop communicating with me, and ask me to step away, I know it was Gods plan for me to do that, and I will sit back (maybe crying, but understanding), and wait for God to lay out his next brick for this adoption path i am walking. Days may be filled with crying, misunderstanding, confusion, and fear, but my God will always be there, to hold me mentally, and emotionally. In the end, he will always be there for me. When the moments come that i can smile for Keaton and his new life, i know its God wrapping his arms around me and hugging me. It is God telling me he is proud of me, and thankfull that i fullfilled his plan, without letting anyone stear me off that path.Anyways, i hope some of this can help you. I want you to take this, and walk away withthe thought that maybe you can try this, even if just for a few days. It helps, expecially when you are in a depressed, or unhappy mind state. And write it down, dont just think about it. Your mind can play games sometimes. The devil can swim in your thoughts, but only God can controle your eyes. But remember, write it down, and reread it. Remind yourself that these things are real, and these things are believeable.
I also want you to know that, over the few days after Keaton was at his home, H called me almost daily, and it made me realise that, everything i wrote down was true. This adoption is open, and we do have trust and faith in eachother, and I believe everything they say. But, on the bad days, when i get scared, i use this to reassure myself that things will be OK.
H always tells me not to worry about tomorrow. And even though sometimes i do, this helps to ease my mind.**Thank you H & R for helping to bless my sons life so immensely! I love the both of you!**
2006-12-28 04:23:23 GMT

News Letter 12-22-06

News Letter
Today i got a news letter from Robin and Heather in the mail. It also had a picture of the kids in it.
I was so happy to see it.
Its hard to explain, but just like when i saw my name on the dedication invitations, when i saw my name on the news letter, i just beamed!
2006-12-22 04:29:21 GMT

Christmas Time....12-26-06

Christmas Time....
Well, people told me it would be hard, and, it was. Christmas eve was the worst. Everyone getting ready, going to parties, getting Kat dressed, talking to Nate and Alex, listening to what everyone is doing. And realising, Keaton isnt with me. I thought it would be so much easier. I made this decision, and i am happy with the decision i made. And the hardest thing is, or weirdest i should say, is that, when "H" did call me lastnight, it didnt bother me one bit. I was happy she called, and it made me smile, and when i heard Keaton fussing in the background, i thought, "awww", and told her i would let her go to tend to the baby. And i was smiling about it. It didnt bother me.
My fear? Im disconnected the two, the child i had inside me, and the child they are now raising. I think i cry more over not feeling remorse, or guilt, then i do anything else. There are times i cry, when i just want to hold him, and cuddle to him. But i know he is being held and cuddled by two wonderful mommies. But, christmas is the hardest. You see all of the families out shopping, and you see the babies dressed up for the holidays. And you wonder, "whats he wear?", or "I wonder what he's doing right now", or "I wonder if he is getting fussy from all the things going on". I wonder if he is crying, if he is eating, if he is being fussy, i wonder if he is ok. But then, i know he is. Its just these fears I have sometimes. But, then i look back, and remember why i chose the parents i did, and i know he is well taken care of. And, i think in a way, the only way i can reassure myself that i did the right thing, and that i dont have to miss him, is by looking at his parents.
Things ended up so differently then I think any of us expected. H & R were well aware of all my "troubles", i was very open and honest with them. I didnt see any reason to lie. We set ground rules, and agreed to them. We talked about e-mails, phone calls, visits. But then, Keaton was here, and all those things got thrown out the window. They actually wanted me to come visit! They sent me a gas card to get there, and they gave my daighter and I x-mas presents, and eveything. We have become family, instead of distant friends from another town.
In the end, i know i did the right thing, because God showed my the path, and i walked it. That was all i could do. And this Christmas, i got exactly what i asked for, a phone call, and a letter. I got the family news letter, and a phone call on Christmas eve. So, if any of you have read my Dear Santa letter, then you know how i feel now.... Santa is real, and no bully is going to tell me he isnt. Because this year, he gave me the best present of all, a wonderful home for my baby boy.
2006-12-26 13:31:51 GMT

The Adoption Ribboon 12-22-06

The Adoption Ribboon
I got this from my friend Tamara, and i wanted to share it....
The Parable of the Braided Ribbon
Adapted and revised by Victoria P.

Long, long ago, before you were even a speck of an idea in God’s heart, he and his angels created a beautiful braid made of shining ribbons. This braid was to be a very special and loved filled braid.

Each ribbon was of a different color: One a beautiful of lavender; another the softest of pinks, and the last the purest of whites. Each ribbon had a special purpose, each a vital contribution. For the braid could not be completed without all three ribbons.

The braid was created in a quiet secret place in heaven. Many angels were invited to come and assist in its weaving. When it was done the angles shouted with joy and praise. When God saw his beautiful creation, he named it “adoption” and he saw that it was good. And with that, all of heaven and earth began to praise and worship the Lord for his great work and his great love.

God then gave strands of pink, white, and lavender ribbons to people he chose on earth. It would be the task of these people to learn how to weave these ribbons into more braids. God had planned for there to be many braids made on earth, with each one being unique yet all of them beautiful.

The Lavender Ribbon
The lavender ribbon represents the adoptive family. God chose them to accept as their own a child not of their flesh. God called them to open their hearts and homes to this precious child. They would be the ones raising the child. They would be the ones hearing the first words and watching the first steps. They would be there through the long nights of ear infections, stomach flu, and croup. They would be the ones cheering on the sidelines at a soccer game or being the first to stand and cheer at the ballet recital. They would be the ones kissing the scraped knees, admiring the work of art hanging on the refrigerator. Through the tears and triumphs, they would be the ones the child would call Mommy and Daddy. No matter how the child came into their arms, they would be the ones holding the child forever.

The White Ribbon
The pure white ribbon represents the child. God chose this child, this miracle to be born of one woman and raised by another. This child would be loved and raised in the arms of a Mommy and Daddy, and loved and remembered in the hearts of a birth mom and birth dad. God also gave the child the unique task of learning how to live with the braid as an integral part of this child’s being. These special children would also have the joy of knowing how loved they are, that they were given life and that forever they would be connected to many hearts.

The Pink Ribbon
This last ribbon is pink, representing the birth family. God carefully chose women, men, grandmas, and grandpas, brothers and sisters knowing that they were up to the unique challenge of loving a child enough to choose life and then adoption. These would be people who are courageous, unselfish, and loving. The birth families’ role would be the one bearing the most pain and sadness, oftentimes bearing this burden in the quiet secret places of their soul. Their roles would also teach all involved about the love commanded to us by Jesus in John’s gospel: “Love one another as I have loved you.”

Birthmothers, birthfathers, and birth families chose to love as Christ does by sacrificing their own desires and natural instincts for the love of a child. As a birthmother lovingly places her child into the arms of the adoptive family, the braid begins to weave.

As the birthmother says goodbye to her child she can whisper these words of Jesus, “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Live on in my love.”
2006-12-22 04:21:05 GMT

During this Christmas Season pt. 2 12-20-06

During this Christmas Season pt. 2
This Christmas is going to be so different for me. I'll have my daighter home with me, and my son and his father will be spending Christmas eve night with us, and waking up to open gifts on Christmas morning.But one person will be missing; Keaton.Dont get me wrong, i am happy he is where he is, but i still miss him, how cant I? I miss him every day, but its not so emotional for me anymore. Not externally anyways. Kathleen and I talk about him all the time, and she always reminds me that Keaton will always be in our hearts, but there are times when i trully just want him in my arms. No one can replace him, but spending time with my family this holiday will make it a little easier.Its hard sometimes, when i think about him. I cry, because i mis shim, but i dont want anyone to know. I lie, and say its something else, but i think they know what the truth is. So, this holiday season, i'll be spending time with two of my children. But, i'm reminded about the meaning of Christmas. . . . . .
Jeasus was born to forgive us of our sins, and i will be sure to pass that along to my children. But, some people just cant help but think that having a child out of wedlock is a sin. Im sorry, i have to disagree. But that will be in another blog. The point is, Jeasus came to fogive us of our sins, but he knew what those sins would be, before we do.He also knows which sins trully are a blessing, and not wrong-doings. He gave me this child inside of my womb, to pass to the family who could not carry a son of their own. I believe he has blessed both of our families, and will continue to do so during the season. But, please remember all of the birth mothers in your prayers, and blessings this year. Here is a little secret...Someone you know has lost a child, and you may never have known they were a parent. But those few hours they spend in the hospital will remin in thie minds for the rest of their lives. wither the adoption is open or closed, you may not know; wither the adoption is open or closed, they may still be hurting; wither the adoption is open or closed, they still did the best thing they knew to do. It could be the woman who sits next to you on the bes, who always seems to be in a fog, it can be your co-worker who never goes to get a drink after work, it could even be your cousin, who spent the summer of 1997 with her "Great-Aunt", it could even be your own sister, who lives out of state.So please, when you share this holiday with your family, please remember that some of us will have one or two people missing. And even though you dont know it, we do. And even though you dont know who we are, we know who we are. So pray for us, the nameless few, who are struggling ever day, to live with the decisions we have made, for the better life of our child.
God gave his son, so that WE may have a better life. And we gave our children, so that they may have a better life.
2006-12-20 23:10:35 GMT