Friday, May 13, 2011
I will be the first to admit that I have felt guilty.... that I have this underlining fear that my child will hate me.
No, not Keaton, but Kathleen.... my daughter who is at home with me.
Keaton is in a home where he wants for nothing, but is not spoiled. He is provided everything he needs, and is living happy.
But kathleen is here with me. Where shoes that fit comfortable only come once a year, if that. Where shut off notices are like wallpaper for our fridge, and where fear of how we will pay the biklls often fills out home with a stress thickened air.
I fear that she will grow to hate me... why did I decide this was enough for her, but not for him? Why was he given everything he could ever need, yet we can barely scrape to make ends meat?
I often wonder if Keaton will grow up to think little of us. He lives in this huge beautiful house with two livingrooms and a playroom off one of them.... their house looks like a model for Better Homes & Garden.
But our home.... its clutter struck... things laying around I fear to get rid of because, what if we need them one day? We don't have the money to go buy them again. Our home is small... stand in the diningroom hallway door and see every room in this place...
Keatons room is huge! Filled with clothes and stuffed animals, a dresser for his things, pictures on the walls...
Kathleens room has clothes thrown into it... on plastic crates because we cannot afford a dresser. Laundry baskets double as toy bins when they aren't being used... and the only "promising" thing she has is a TV with a dule DVD/VCR.
Her father will not pay child support... he has everything handed to him and there for has no need for any income. So, Andrews income supports us all.
I feel like my legs are failing me more and more each day. They have been a problem since 2008 but are getting worse and worse.
My inability to work outside the home is wearing on everyone. My anxiety and panic attacks have taken over my life. And the view from my front porch is all I can see of the world most days.
If Keaton knew this, that THIS is where he came from, would he still be proud to call us his birth family??
You are LOVED,
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
So, my adoption has changed, and im not quite sure why, or how. But, I dont feel like I need to ask either.
Before you read any further, let me make a general statement... I DONT BLAME ANYONE. I chose this adoption, and I chose this couple because I trusted, and still trust them, to do what ever they think it right for Keaton.
In the beginning R&H made the adoption completely open. But, things were different. R worked full time, and H was a stay at home mom. Both shared parenting duties, but there was more time for me to contact them; they had more free time for the communication.
Well, that has changed. H is in school full time, so the time slots have filled quickly.
But, last year, KEatons (possible) BirthFather contacted me and stated he wanted information on Keaton and his parents. I refused! Its not my place to pass out their info. I would not betray their trust like that. Soon after, his mother contacted me, trying to convince me that it was in everyones best interest for them to have contact as well. I told her the most I would do is pass along the adoption agency info. Well, before I did this, I wanted to contact the adoption agency and make sure that by doing this, i wasnt breaching anyones trust, that R&H's info would not be given out, and that nothing would get broken.
I was assured it wouldnt.
Before I could even get back in touch with his mother, she emailed me a very nasty letter, and stated that she had already contacted a private investigatorand got all of the info on the adoption, and the aParents.
I quickly e-mailed R&H to let them know that I did NOT give out any of their info, and that i tried as hard as I could to comfort the birthfatehr and his family, but in the end they took it into their own hands.
R&H also know that this man may not be the father - I was young and stupid and alone, i has slept with two differnt men in the course of a week.
This is one of the things I am ashamed of, but I am not ashamed of the outcome.
R&H were waiting for a son, and I was the one who was able to give them that gift.
But its hard; not knowing if the interrerence from the BFather is the reason there are no more e-mails, photos, or phone calls.
I always got a card on BirthMothers day (The Saturday before Mothers Day), but this year I didnt get anything. Just a short note on FB saying they were thinking of me.
I e-mailed them back, and asked if it was possible to get photos, or a phone call. They asked for my phone number again, but i havent heard anything yet.
All in all I would never change a thing about the adoption.
I am still proud to call them the parents of my son; I just wish I had personally done things different in the beginning.
The possible BirthFather was well into drugs, had some issues with the law he was taking care of; and I tried to tell him about it. I remember fights we had over the phone about it. But, he never realized the responsibility... and the other man only offered to pay for an abortion... and when that became too late, he said he would take custody from me, and not by my choice.
In the end, I am glad, and proud of the decision I made.
Anyways, today is my Son's birthday, Alex, and he is 7. It makes me think of Keaton... I wonder what he looks like, how much he is like me, how much he is like the BFather, how much he is like his parents.
I missed his first step, first word, etc.... and I wonder what all of them were....
I just, miss him
You are LOVED,