Thursday, October 13, 2011

Birthday #5!!!!!

Well, the last time I saw Keaton was at his 3rd Birthday party. I loved being there, but it was deffinetly too long ago.

Well, I finally got a response back from his parents. All with just cause. I know they are both super busy - one works full time, the other in school full time, both taking their hand in raising the kids - but it sucks when we lose communication for a while.

While im sure ANY birth mother goes through the same thing, adding my depression and anxiety to it is never good.

But, like they say, all good things must come to an end. And its not an end to the openess, just the great amount of communication.

I guess the one thing I always will regret, is never having him meet my Grandma.

Other than that, I have  no regrets.

I have to do whats right by them, and by Keaton. And I agree 100% with their decision to not forge anymore bonds or relationships with anyone else. He is their child. They have to do what they think is best.

Anyways, In the e-mail, I was invited to his 5th Birthday!!!

Cant wait to see him. I am so excited <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

You are LOVED,

From Then till Now

This has been, the longest two years of my life...
But I will never label anything a mistake.

I have been confused, and hurt, and it had made me rethink a lot of decisions in my life, but I will never regret placing Keaton up for Adoption.

But there is one thing I do regret.
When I got pregnant with Keaton, I had slept with two different men, one who was a close friend, who, in all reality, was my first true love. But the first loves are clouded with misjudgment and often filled with unrealistic things that we only want to see, and not what is truly in front of us.

The second was someone who was just a friend, we would talk, laugh, cook dinner together, watch movies - we were just friends, the sex was NOT part of the plan. I was living with my Aunt, and I was alone. My friend at the time, Kristy, introduced me to him, and we went out for a few drinks, and he invited me over the next weekend for movies. We both made it clear we didn't want to be involved with anyone, but both of us enjoyed the others company.

The night with Chris, we smoked, and had sex... I dont remember much, but I remember sex was part of it, and so was protection.

The two nights with Aaron involved sex, and protection.

The pregnancy was not supposed to be part of either.... But it happened, and for a good reason.

Look, I have had my fair share of emotional issues to deal with, some not so bad, some horrific. But here I am, making it through them all.

I told both, and from Chris, I got talk it wasnt his, to leave him alone, etc.

From Aaron, I got that he wanted full custody or an abortion. I opted to lie about an abortion, as I refused to let this man take custody of a child when in all honesty, I had only known him a few weeks.


I withheld information on the birthfather, and IW as told I had the right to do so my the social worker. I told her about both Chris and Aaron, but also told her that I didnt believe either of them, nor myself, were stable to raise a baby. She agreed, and left the choice up to me.

I withheld.

Chris saw a photo of Keaton in my car one day when I picked him up from a rehab for break, and he started crying, "Oh my God, this is my kid. Patty, if you could see baby pictures of me you would know. This is my kid!!"

I told Chris about Aaron, even explained that Aaron and Keaton looked a lot alike.

And if you look at pictures, its hard. Chris and Keaton look a like as babies, but Aaron and Keaton look almost identical in current photos.

I accept that this is part of my own journey. But I also must respect the fact that Keaton's parents are not wanting or willing to build a relationship with either of these individuals.

But, then comes the pain.

Chris went behind my back and found out who Keaton's parents were, and contacted them.
First his mother told me that she was going to hire a private detective, and then he told me my ex gave him the information.

Chris asked me everything about Keaton, and I shared all the non-personal information (or what they call, non-identifying).

I shared his box - the adoption papers, I showed him the Birth Father packet that I left blank, and explained that I didn't know if I should add Aaron's info, or his, he said he understood. I showed him the scrap book from the Entrustment ceremony. I showed him the hospital bracelets, etc.

Well, in 2010 is when he went behind my back to contact them.

His mother messaged me on MySpace, and I told her I couldnt give her any info, not even first names, but I could contact the adoption agency and ask them what I can give. Well, before I had the chance, she and chris somehow found out who they were and e-mailed them.

I will never forgive them for that.

Since then, H started back to school and the communications have cut back severely. I'm sure to them its ok, but to me it sucks lol.

For the first 3 years we talked and exchanged e-mails all the time. But now, it takes a few months to get a response. While my heart completely understand, my mind plays games and tells me all the worst reasons.

I was up front with every one about everything, and now my honesty is coming back to bite me in the ass.


You are LOVED,