Wednesday, February 29, 2012

From open, to.... something else

I keep going over things, again, and again. The Birth Plan, the Adoption Plan, the papers, the knitting, the prep, the lunches, the dr visits. And I still stand by what I said, they are amazing people.

But things never work out the way you plan. And this adoption is no exception. I wanted big things, great things for Keaton, and he has them, I guess that should be the most important thing. But then my selfish side creeps in, and I want to know about those things.

The communication used to be every few weeks, then it went to every few months, and now, it seems like im being ignored. But I know in my  heart that they are busy - H is a full time student now, and R works full time. And in reality, there is nothing stating they have to contact me to keep me updated. I guess I just hope they do.

But this year, I didn't get anything from them - No Christmas card, no yearly update letter, no pictures. I almost feel like I'm slowly being erased. I have dreams of them removing my photos from his room. I have dreams of them ignoring him when he ask about me. Someone please tell me that these are legit fears! I feel like I'm losing my mind half the time.

Some days I want to dig through his Memory Box, and other days I want to collect every single thing in this house that reminds me of him and pack it up. But I don't. Its not logical. He is still very much alive, and he isn't that far away.

But things were going to be so different. I remember H sitting there telling me how much they wanted me to be involved in his life, how they never wanted to cut communication because they could see how much I love him. But was that just to get me to follow through with the adoption?

Then the whole BirthFather situation, and my ex. I think thats why they cut communication. But I wish they would give me a chance to explain, a chance to show them that those people are no longer a part of my life.

Then the whole seperate bedrooms thing is killing me. We went to his Birthday party and Keaton openly told me, "Momma sleeps in this room, Mommy sleeps in that room." I didnt have the nerve to ask why, I just smiled and said, "Ok! Can you show me your room?" of course I knew where his room was, I had been there before. We walked in and I asked him if he knew about the build-a-bear, and we talked, for about 3 minutes about it. But, he was more interested in jumping on the bed and showing me how he could touch the ceiling.

But now, 4 months later, I have e-mailed, asking for pictures they took of us that day, and have gotten nothing. It scares me, to think they may not want contact anymore. I just wish they would tell me. Not knowing is the hardest part. Not knowing what their plans are, makes me feel like I'm frozen in time, waiting an a response to an e-mail I sent, but hasn't been read yet.

You are LOVED,